Against All Odds
by Nosfrat
Summary: Eric Cartman always gets what he wants. Always. No exceptions. However, when what he wants happens to be Barbara Stevens as his girlfriend, things are gonna prove to be much harder than he'd have ever expected. With all odds against him, he'll have to wave his way through hordes of joy-filled hippies in the pursuit of his own happiness. T for language and mild sexual content.
1. Hippy Deeds

_**A/N: I wrote the first two chapters of this story a few weeks (or months? time flies...) ago, and I thought it was decent enough to publish. I got most of the first 'act' written, but I'm not too sure about the rest. Anyway this pairing interests me due to how rare and... unfitting it is.**_  
_**Hope you guys enjoy it too.**_

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"So children, this is why Barbra Streisand wasn't chosen for the main role. Her sole presence would have meant an R rating. Producers couldn't afford this."

Nothing significant had changed in South Park. 8 years later, Mr. Garrison was still doing everything he could to rant about people and his personal beliefs, rather than teaching. Not that the students minded, having class with him basically meant one free hour to chat, draw or whatever you felt like doing.

Stan whispered to Kenny.  
"What movie is he even talking about?"  
"Movie? I thought he was talking about a book."  
"Dude! Do you even listen?"  
"Hell no! Do you?"  
"A little more than you, apparently." he laughed, and Kenny sighed, going back to reading his porn magazine.

A few seats away, Kyle was getting aggravated by Cartman endlessly staring at a certain blonde girl not far away. Since a few weeks he would just sit through entire classes just staring at her, his eyes filled with an intense emotion Kyle couldn't quite identify, as it was the first time he saw in Cartman's eyes something that didn't look negative or dangerous. He didn't know why it aggravated him, though.

"What are you staring at, Cartman?"  
"Uh, what? Oh. Nothing, Jew."  
"You know, the board is over there, right in front of you. Not to the side."  
"Well... No shit."  
"Then you're just staring at her, aren't you?"  
"I'm not staring at anyone."  
"Yeah... Right. Remember fatass, she's got the hots for my ass. Not yours."  
"I don't know what you're talking about, Kahl. Plus, that was like, 10 years ago."  
Kyle rolled his eyes. "See, you do know what I'm talking about. Listen Cartman, if you're going to-" the fat boy interrupted him.  
"And since when do YOU have an ass anyway? Scrawny Jew."

Kyle couldn't quite disagree. Weighing a meager 110 pounds, his ass, as well as the rest of his 5 feet and a half body, was rather bony. Cartman, on the other hand... Well, he was Cartman. Though he had developed impressive physical strength, he remained fat. And remarkably short. Well, shorter than most of the other male students, barring Kyle.  
Still, no one was stupid enough to mess with him. He hadn't done anything remotely close to what he used to do as a kid but he clearly had the potential to do it again shall the need arise, and now with strength to back up his evil and manipulative powers, no one would dare challenging him. No one... Except Kyle.

As much as he hated the fatass, he somehow needed him. His life would feel empty without someone to constantly fight with, argue with. And Cartman knew it, teasing each other was just part of their strange... Could it be called friendship? That was yet to be defined.

"Anyway, my ass is beautiful. And it's like, ten times the size of yours. So it should work all the better."  
Kyle let out a short laugh, then narrowed his eyes. "Cartman you should consider being gay or something, really. You don't know anything about girls."  
The fat boy shrugged. "Tell me, Kahl, when was the last time you got laid?"  
Although Kyle was a virgin, no one knew about it, and he wanted to keep it that way. "Uh... About a month ago." he lied.  
"Your mom doesn't count, you know." said Cartman casually, but not without a smirk.  
"YOU SON OF A BITCH!" screamed the redhead as he lunged at the brunette, knocking both of them to the ground.

He just couldn't help it, he had known Cartman for nearly fifteen years and he would get angry at every single of his pointless, immature 'jokes'.  
But this time something was different, Cartman kept staring at Bebe in class, whenever he had a chance to. That wasn't something one would expect Cartman to do, for he had no interest in girls, or people for that matter. Only in their suffering. So, he must be plotting something against Bebe, that's the only way it could make sense. As hard as it is to believe, at 17 years old, he's still that childish, self-centered sadistic asshole he's always been, and he would do about anything just to prove someone wrong, or humiliate innocent people for the hell of it. That was him, Cartman, everyone was used to it. However he had always proven to be unpredictable in his behavior, and you could never really tell what he was up to. Even after he had pulled something off, you could never know when he would stop. If he would stop.  
And those were the reasons why nothing and no one had ever succeeded in anticipating, stopping or defeating Eric Cartman.

As Kyle laid on the ground, on top of his arch nemesis, he could see the large boy's grin, and the satisfaction in his eyes. That look of satsifaction he only ever gets when he gets him, the calm and reasonable one, to physically attack him. All of that because of a random 'your mom' joke. How could the fat boy have such power over him? Or over anyone, really? It didn't make sense.

Sitting two desks away, Barbara 'Bebe' Stevens was looking at them, grinning.  
"I always knew you guys were gay for each other. Or, simply gay."

Kyle started to blush furiously, and Cartman laughed hard, until he realized the words were directed toward him as well.  
"Get off me you fucking fag!" he screamed, and tried to push Kyle off himself. Which was an easy task, considering he weighed nearly thrice as much.

After the both of them got up and sat back down, they glared at each other.  
"Stay away from her, Jew boy."  
"Dude, you know she's a slut, right? She got boned by like, half the school. And that's not counting the other girls! Because-"  
"You didn't screw her."  
"Neither did you, fatass!"  
"Shut up Kahl. This is none of your business anyway, so I suggest you keep your fat nose out of this."

Once again, Kyle was starting to get angry again at the same old stuff he had been hearing for three quarters of his life.  
"Don't start with your shit about the Jews, Cartman!"

The larger boy glared at him, but didn't answer. He then turned his gaze back to Bebe.  
"I always managed to get everything I want. I WILL get her, no matter how far I'll have to go. I will succeed. I always succeed." he murmured to himself.

Kyle turned to Stan, and said in an dramatic tone:  
"He's planning something, dude."  
Stan rolled his eyes. "He always is. It could be fun though, I never saw what kind of shit he could pull off against a girl."  
"Dude!"  
"Alright alright, fine. I'll ask Wendy to tell her to keep an eye out for him."

Deep inside, Kyle knew that Cartman was going to try something on Bebe. His eyes were full of lust, and although it was the first time anyone seemed to have such an effect on the fat boy, he knew him well enough to be painfully aware of the fact that he could be ridiculously mean and dangerous even when unprovoked. If he did ask Bebe out or something, and she turned him down... Kyle didn't even want to think about the consequences. Eric Cartman doesn't take no for an answer.

Maybe he should try to get him interested in another girl? Save one to destroy another... Not the best solution. He wasn't even sure Cartman was interested in Bebe, in -that- way... You could never tell with him.

The bell rang and all students started to pack up their stuff and rush toward the exit, but Kyle, Cartman and Stan stayed there. Kyle because he was lost in thought, Cartman because he was staring at Bebe's now empty desk, lost in thought as well, to the point he hadn't noticed she had left, and Stan because he could sense something was wrong.  
He leaned over to Kyle.

"Hey dude, what's wrong?"  
"Nothing... I'm just... I'm just, you know, thinking. I have the feeling he's interested in her, and I really, really wouldn't want to imagine a heartbroken Cartman, let alone have to deal with one."  
Stan burst in laughter. "That would imply Cartman has a heart, and feelings! That's science fiction, dude!"  
Kyle grinned, and laughed quietly. "Yeah, you're probably right."

They both walked out of the room, leaving Cartman the only one left.

"God... I must get her somehow." he said, to no one in particular although he still hadn't realized he was now alone in the classroom. He sighed, stood up, slung his bag across his back and walked up to Bebe's desk. Should he leave a note? Nah, he's no hippy. Should he write 'slut' on it? Nah, way too childish, even for him. Should he...  
His thoughts were interrupted when he spotted a small piece of paper sticking out of her desk. He grabbed it and unfolded it, before reading it.

"My place, 8:30 PM, Friday. Bring the booze guys!"

Messy-looking yet somewhat tidy, pink handwriting... No doubt, it was hers.  
"What the fuck? Bitch's throwing a party? Hope she's inviting me... Meh, who am I fooling? I'm gonna have to sneak in again somehow. Lame." he folded the paper and carefully placed it back where it was. He had to get in that party, and get to talk to her. Especially if she was gonna be drunk.  
For some reason he couldn't quite pinpoint, he had suddenly started to develop interest for her a couple of weeks ago. She was now getting to him, and he wasn't liking it one bit. Feeling something other than hate or spite was completely new to him. Alien sensations. Besides, why would he, Eric Cartman, need or want to have anything to do with a girl? And with Barbara Stevens, out of all people? She was just a dumb hippy slut, friends with Stan's hippy bitch, and all the faggots in school. Why did he want her? Was it mere infatuation, or something deeper, and more troublesome? He didn't know, and didn't want to think about it, for the answers might be too much for him to handle right now. But he was going to do it. He was going to talk to her. Cartman never backs out. He always wins somehow.  
his eyes burning with determination, he took a big step forward and slammed his head against the closed door.

"Ugh! Motherfuckers!" he screamed and rubbed his sore forehead. He kicked the door violently, sending it flying out of its hinges and crashing it against a few lockers on the opposite side of the corridor.

"Fucking shit! I need to stay focused. This is probably gonna be the hardest thing I'll have ever done... Better be worth it."  
"Eric Cartman! Look at what you have done!" an angry Mexican voice spoke. It was Mr. Venezuela, the school's janitor and bus driver since Mrs. Crabtree's death, which was nearly a decade ago. He was holding a bucket of what appeared to be a mix of vomit and other disgusting stuff.

"I'm sorry José. Trabajar aqui, si?"  
"You should pay attention in Español classes, Eric. Your Spanish is no good. I come from boys' bathroom and now I have to clean this? You Americans show no respect for the people."  
"Minorities are endangering our way of life. I'm respecting you but, I'm just being careful, that's all." José frowned.  
"Fucking spic." Eric muttered, walking away.

He walked back home, letting his thoughts wander off. He needed to find a foolproof way to get Bebe, and so far he couldn't figure out how the hell he was gonna do that. He would ask Stan, or any other fag who had experience with girls but then they couldn't know about his secret. And even if they could, they wouldn't accept to help him anyway. He was on his own. As usual.

Not looking ahead, he eventually bumped into someone, knocking both of them on the ground. He looked up, annoyed.  
"Craig! Goddamnit, watch where the fuck you're going!"  
"You're the one who bumped into me, fatass." Craig said in his annoying voice, before flipping him off. He then stood up, and Cartman did the same.  
"Hey, say Craig, you have a girlfriend?"  
"'The fuck are you on? You know damn well Tweek and I are dating since what, eighth grade or something? Girls are useless, you know."  
"Can't disagree on that but... Damn it. Oh well, beat it you fag."

Craig frowned and flipped him off again, before walking away. Arguing with Cartman was always a waste of time for anyone whose name wasn't Kyle or Wendy.

Suddenly, an idea popped into Cartman's mind: he could ask a girl. One of those background girls no one really knows or cares about.  
He resumed walking, grinning, happy that he now had a plan.

Walking out of the school, he took a deep breath and started heading home, when something in the corner of his eye caught his attention. It was Bebe, bent over, apparently searching for something in her bag. He couldn't help but stare at her round, perfect butt, only to trip and slide on the thin layer of ice that always covered the entire town. He landed on his back with a loud thud and grunted.

"Godddamnit! Fucking piece of shit snowy redneck mountain town!"  
"Cartman! Are you alright?"  
Bebe was standing above him, offering him a hand to get up.

"Bitch, what you looking at? Of course I'm fine. Get outta here, your hippy deeds await you."  
"Whatever, fatass." she said, looking slightly offended. She brushed a beautiful strand of golden hair out of her face, and turned back, shaking her perfect butt with every step.  
Cartman sighed heavily and lowered his head. This shit was getting on his nerves, big time. How could anyone have such power over him? It didn't make any sense.  
He'd just go home, eat something and turn his PC on, then massacre zombies or some other shit. Yeah, that would fix things up.


	2. The Red and the Black

**_A/N: I just LOVE hearing Cartman talking shit about hippies, and writing it sure is a lot of fun. Not much to say about this chapter, it's pretty short._**

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Cartman was awoken by a knocking sound against his window. He groaned, struggled to get up and walked to the window, only to see... nothing. Then a small rock hit the glass right in front of him, startling him and making him stumble backwards.

He opened the window and shouted: "Get the fuck off my yard, stupid hippies!"  
"Finally, you're awake! God, you were hibernating or what? I've been throwing rocks for ten minutes!"

He knew this voice, but couldn't remember who it belonged to.  
"Who the fuck is this?"  
"Get your fat ass downstairs and open the door, we need to talk."

Annoyed by the fact he had no idea who this person was, he slammed his door open and walked loudly down the stairs, the worn out wooden planks threatening to break under his every step. He finally reached for the door, unlocked and opened it, only to find himself in front of Red.

"Red? What the fuck are you doing here? It's like 2 in the morning!"  
"As I said, I needed to talk to you. And I figured you wouldn't let me anywhere near you at school so this was my only option."  
"Before I kick you in the nuts, tell me why you didn't come this evening."  
"Because I was watching TV." she said casually.

Cartman pinched his nose and took a deep breath, his self-control being tested harshly. He couldn't stand people, much less those who woke him up in the middle of the night because they were too busy to talk to him in the evening.

"Okay... And what is it that you need to tell me so badly?"  
"Well, uh... I, kinda, like... Talked to Wendy, who had talked to Stan and, well, like-"  
"Goddamnit I don't want the list of people you fucked today, just get to the point before I just shut the door and go back to bed."  
"Well, people have been talking about how you're... How do I put it..." she was looking uncomfortable.  
"Go on. Hurry it up."  
"Well... Interested in Bebe. And they wanted to make sure that-"  
"Wait, wait, even if it was true, how the fuck would that be anyone's business but mine?"  
"You know, Bebe's a very popular girl. Many people are watching after her. We don't want you to... You know. Harm her."

His eyes widened and his mouth opened, but no sound came out for a while.  
"...What?"  
"You're a dangerous, violent, manipulative asshole, Eric. Bebe doesn't need you to get hurt, she's a grown-up." she let out a small laugh, but quickly stopped it when she saw the look in Cartman's eyes. He pinned her against the wall.  
"Listen, despite all of this being none of your fucking business, I'm just gonna let you know that I don't want to harm her in any way. I will have to if she doesn't cooperate, but that's all."  
Red's eyes narrowed. "What do you want from her?"  
"As I said, none of your business."

He was really starting to get pissed, which meant danger, but the redhead's curiosity got the best of her.  
"If you tell me, there's a high probability I can help you with it."  
"You don't even know what it is yet you assume you can do shit about it? Typical hippy reaction."  
"I'm a girl. I know things about guys. Things you guys don't even know about yourselves."  
"Yeah right... Whatever you say. What's in it for you anyway?"  
"Nothing."

Cartman withdrew his arms from her sides and let her move. He narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms.  
"Nothing? Too fishy. No deal."  
"Listen Eric, not everyone is like you. Some people can actually do things without personal interest involved, out of sheer kindness."

The fat boy waved a hand in front of him, and then clenched his stomach.

"What's wrong?" she asked.  
"Too much... Faggotry... Gonna... Puke..." he said, shaking his head, exaggerating every motion.  
She rolled her eyes. "Just tell me what it is, I promise I won't tell anyone."  
"I'll only tell you if you bring me some KFC for lunch tomorrow."  
"What? Screw you fatass!"  
"Okay then. Screw you, hippy. You're going home." he pointed his finger at her, and then at the door.  
"Alright, alright, I'll get you some. Just tell me already!"  
"You better not be fucking with me."  
"I wouldn't fuck with you for 10 million dollars."  
"Red, seriously. I'm seriously."  
"Tell me or you'll be eating cold food tomorrow."

He closed his eyes and sighed in defeat.  
"I want her. As a girlfriend."

Red stared at him for a few seconds, then burst in a fit of laughter, like he had just told the funniest joke ever. Then she realized he was serious.  
"You... You're serious? Well... Uh..."  
"Now are you going to help me, or not?"  
"I'm not sure I would even if I could, but you'd better forget about it. You don't have a chance. Bebe's not interested in actual relationships, you know."

The words hit him hard, but he was more or less expecting that, and he wasn't about to give up.  
"What about Clyde?" he asked, remembering the last time he saw her with a boy.  
"One night stand."  
"Token?"  
"Same."  
"Goddamnit. Butters?"  
"Butters? You gotta be kidding! Butters never got close to a girl!"  
"Right. Argh, whatever. Just keep your mouth shut about that, and get away now."  
"Alright... Fine, I'll let you sleep."

He didn't answer, and started walking back up the stairs when she called his name.  
"What, for fuck's sake?"  
"One last thing, before I go."  
"Spit it out!"  
"Bebe... invited you. Everyone told her not to but she did. Friday evening at her place. So I guess I'll be seeing you at the-"  
"No way in hell I'm going to some gay ass party full of drunken hippies. Get outta here. And close the fucking door! It's freezing balls out there!"

The girl sighed, and walked out, closing the door behind her.  
"If he's really serious, he's about to enter a world of pain... A world of pain." she muttered to herself, still unable to honestly believe Cartman could want a girlfriend, if not for one of his evil schemes.

The door opened behind her, but she didn't bother turning around for all she heard was insults and threats about what he'd do to her if she didn't bring him KFC, or if she forgot the gravy.

When he could no longer see her shadow, swallowed by the cold, dark winter night, he closed the door and sighed heavily. He clumsily walked back up the stairs and plopped down on his bed, falling back asleep within minutes.


End file.
